Oh they say when you marry in June... Oh wait... I'm not getting married in June!

Wow, it's been over a year since I last posted anything on this blog. That's okay, I probably haven't really had anything worthwhile to write anyway. Sometimes I wonder whether anything I have to write on this is worthwhile though... but realistically Blogs are pretty much all about vanity anyway, so whatever. I'm going to grip and moan my way through this blog... sorry, feel free to stop reading.

Is it taboo to complain about Facebook on your blog? At this point I don't really care.

Did you know that as-SOON-as your relationship status changes from "single" to "in a relationship" your sidebar ads change from "Hey! Meet other single people!" to "Hey! Come buy an engagement ring!" As though you should actually be thinking about marriage not two seconds after you decide to date someone...

Granted, you probably shouldn't be dating someone if you don't see some sort of a future with them, but still... it's probably a little bit early to be shopping for your engagement ring.

Now, I've been with Boyfriend for eight months, but they still irritate me. They've irritated me since they morphed from the "come date other 23 year old Christian single people". Don't ask me why, they just do. I guess I should just be grateful that they're pushing conflict free diamonds down my throat, and stop my moaning.

May Flowers?

Is anyone else in this world having trouble believing that we're already into May?

I for one have been blown away by this fact. Not that it seems so terrible that we are fully one third done with the year, which in and of itself is quite difficult to wrap my head around, especially since it seriously seems like it was JUST January, and February, and March for that matter. And I know for a fact that I was JUST in April... but now it is May. It has officially been over a year since I graduated from University. A full year of not knowing what is next. That is also really difficult to accept. I know that God is sovereign, and He has a perfect plan, but golly if I didn't think (or at least hope) that He would have just pointed to a path and said "GO!" He hasn't yet, in case you're wondering. At least not that I've noticed.

That is a thought that scares me sometimes. What if I have been too busy doing my other stuff, or just not paying attention? What if I have missed the offramp (or on-ramp...think of it however you will) or misread the directions that God has given to me. Has He in fact pointed out a path to me and told me to take a step forward, but I missed it? Worse still, what if I was just too scared and decided that he must not have actually meant for me to take that path... "oh you know God, I know that I asked for an opportunity, but I don't think I'm ready for that... try me again!" That is a very sad thought, and I really hope that it is not the case.

So for now I will continue on in the path that I am on. And continue waiting on the Lord. Searching and seeking for whatever His will might be right now. I know that that can be a dangerous thing: to ask the Lord for direction, for purpose... because you really never know exactly where you will end up, but I think I'd rather be in His will than anywhere else.

Either way, it is May. Already. I can't believe it. El Cinco de Mayo already. Crazy.

Holding Pattern

I really really really hate not knowing what I'm doing. Uncertainty really bugs me, and it REALLY irritates me in myself.

The problem is that sometimes when I don't know what I want, or where I'm going; I am totally okay with that. There are times that I KNOW for a fact that God is in control and I am at peace with where He has me right now.

And then there are other times that I "know" that God is in control, but I feel like he has placed me on the shelf and forgotten me. Even better, sometimes I feel like one of those little wind up toys that gets put on display in the little shallow box to waddle around in a circle... and then ends up getting stuck in a corner, or just at the edge, but is still moving it's little mechanical legs and ends up running into the wall over and over and over and over and over. Get the picture?

The last several weeks have felt more like the second scenario to me. I know that God is in control and has a plan, and all of that jazz, but I have NO IDEA where my life is going, and it is not only bugging me, but it's starting to scare me, and I'm really getting irritated at my life.

Needing a change but having no idea where to start, or the self-confidence to follow through is a very disheartening situation to be in. I am very frustrated right now.

Just Around the Corner

So Thanksgiving was yesterday. Unfortunately I forgot to take pictures of the day... I had my camera out, I just never took any pics... sad, I know. However, I have to say that the turkey was possibly the absolute turkey I have ever tasted... even the white meat was juicy and delicious even without gravy! Well done Dad, I was very proud of the accomplishment.

I love the holidays. Truly I do. The food, the music, the lights, the atmosphere. What's really nice is that it's cool enough here on the Central Coast to be justified in wearing sweaters and scarves now. Nothing is worse than feeling the need to wear a tank top and flip flops three days before Christmas because of the weather... I've done it.
There really is only one thing that I'm not really a fan of about the holidays, the stress. Some people are not fans of the holidays, and being around people with that attitude can make it very difficult to enjoy the time, which can be depressing. I am going to do my best to really enjoy the Christmas season this year. Perhaps a huge part of keeping the joy alive will be trying to never forget the true reason for the season: the birth of Christ... even if he wasn't really born on December 25th . Remember that we are celebrating the fact that the Creator of the Universe came and was born as a child, who would grow up to die on a cross in order to save a world that is lost in darkness. If that isn't a reason to be grateful and joyful I don't know what is!

It is now less than a month until Christmas and I am excited. Even though I am personally of the opinion that the day after Halloween is fair game for Christmas music... (I know that many people don't agree with me on that one... but I don't really care.) I haven't really listened to much Christmas music yet this season. I will work on changing that.

There's only one other thing that is kind of sad about the holidays this year. My sister is overseas for the second year in a row, and that means that She will once again not be here for Christmas (she wasn't here for Thanksgiving either). Not having my sister here for the holidays is the hardest part of having her overseas right now... sad.

There wasn't really much of a reason for this post. Sorry if you feel deceived, that was not my intention.

Thought Processor

I know it has been a really long time since I have written anything on this thing. However, it has not been because I didn't want to write anything... nor was it the result of having nothing to say. Rather, that I feel like I never know how to put my thoughts into words... or if I do manage to somehow put words to my thoughts... I never know if any of it makes sense to those who live outside of my head.

Like now. There are thoughts about the future... family... friendships... all scary thoughts... none of which have been processed enough to be able to put them into words.

It would seem that I am not very organic. Unprocessed thoughts are intimidating. I enjoy when others write in a very free and spontaneous voice... however the idea of putting the raw contents of my head onto the table in front of other people is horrifying.

There are a select few people who I am close enough with to be comfortable sharing the less processed and closer to raw versions of what goes on in my head, the rest of the world gets the planned, prepped and 'perfected' version... to put it another way, the filtered version.

Here is my question: Does the fact that I am not absolutely and completely candid with everyone in my life mean that I am not being real with everyone? Is it okay to let different people see different sides of me... or do I in fact need to be the same with everyone in order to be consistent?

I personally don't think that it is a problem to have certain close friends and family that get to see the more relaxed, playful, free, version of myself, whereas the rest of the world sees a slightly more refined version. I am almost positive that everyone does it on some level. So is it okay?

Summer is fast approaching its end. Yes, I know that it is still only July, and yes, I know that theoretically Summer goes through the end of August... technically there is still a month plus of summer. My sister is leaving to go back to Hungary in just three short weeks for the beginning of their school year, and that just makes it feel as though the summer is coming to a rapid end.

There is also the tiny little fact, that I don't have school anymore. That seems like a big "Hooray!" but it is actually quite terrifying. At least when you are in the process of University and Higher Education, you know what you are doing... what comes next.

For example, at the end of the school year you sign onto the school website, and check little boxes for courses that you need/want to take, then click the little "Add Course" button and it shows up on your little schedule. Three months later you sign into that same little website and pull up the Student Course Schedule and see all laid out for you in pretty little black and blue letters, exactly what the next 16 weeks of your life is going to consist of: Course A from 9:30 to 11:00 On Tuesday and Thursday, B from 10 to 11 on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, etc. Everything is laid out pretty and neat for you. Everything is planned. Everything is pretty straightforward and self-explanatorily.

Post-College life is not that cut and dry. Granted, I am seriously excited that I have finished with my Undergraduate degree. Someday I may even go back to school to get some sort of Master's degree. But right now... it is terrifying. I know that I have said that God is in control. Somewhere in my brain, I know that God really does know what my future holds. But right now I feel like there is a vastness of fog in front of my eyes.

Just once, a few months ago I felt completely at rest on this issue. I admitted to myself and God that I feel completely unqualified for my future, whatever it may be. I also acknowledged that I can do nothing on my own. God has often chosen those who don't seem to have the necessary qualities for their job, but God choses them, and then qualifies them... just look at Moses. (Of course God also put Aaron into Moses' path ot help him along the way. God does that, gives us friends along the way who can help us where we fall short... and boy do I fall short.)

Anyway, after I made those concessions (is that how you spell that?) God, and told Him that I was just going to trust him to qualify me for whatever He had for me, I went to bed. The next day was possibly the best day I have ever experienced, there was peace. Even on a day that should not have been peaceful! It was wonderful.

Of course since then I have had a tendency to take the stress and worry back onto myself and then I just end up feeling like I am tied up in knots, not knowing which way I should go, or which path I should pursue.

This brings me back to my initial point. Fall is fast approaching. I told myself that I would start looking for a 'grown up' job at the end of the summer. Now I still don't know which path to take. I feel like I don't even know which path to start looking for. Maybe I should just follow the leads that the Lord has already given me... that is probably the best place to start.

So... I know that it has been a ridiculously long time since I have written anything here, and I will have you know that I really do feel quite terrible about that. However, it has happened before... and considering the fact that for two of those weeks I was on a bus without regular access to a computer, and that now that I am at home, my internet situation is different than it was down at school, it really isn't that big of a deal.

I probably should have warned you before I made that whole explanation, that this is not going to be much of an entry, however, I was online and decided that I wanted to update.

Update: I have graduated from CBU, and have completed my final choir tour for UCO (there will be more about that hopefully in the near future... possibly including an appearance by a particular stow-away. I am once again working in Pismo Beach, and enjoying it so far. This is going to be a crazy-busy summer!

Anyway, I have pretty much been tired for the last week and a half, so I am going to leave this post here, and go get some shut-eye, so I will update about my life in the near future... or I will try to. I'm sure you can't wait :-)