This is a new feeling...

Sometimes there is an emptiness inside that doesn't make sense. It isn't so much even an overt sadness as it is a knowledge that something is no longer there... It is a longing for things to feel right again. One that I of course know the underlying cause of, but still sometimes am caught off guard by. It is strange and it is most certainly not fun. However, knowing that it isn't where you want to be doesn't actually change anything, and somehow you find a way to breathe again. To breath Through the hole in your chest. And to smile... Like it doesn't hurt. Most importantly, you find a way to not only live your life... You find a way to enjoy it, and the people around you, because in a lot of ways, other people are what it is all about anyway!

Wow... Emo much?

Peace that Surpasses Understanding

I guess I was naive in my thinking, or perhaps had just never really encountered a situation where I was going to have to rely on his will, and trust that he would bring peace, but when Philippians 4:7 talks about how the peace of God, "which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" I always assumed that God would somehow magically make it so that I would be happy about it. That it would not hurt as much as it would without his peace. And perhaps it does... there was definitely a shift when I finally handed the situation to God and said, "okay... this is what you require, and I know it. And I know that you know best, so I'm going to stick with it, even if right now it feels like it might kill me." It hasn't, by the way. It doesn't mean that I'm happy about the situation. It doesn't make it hurt any less. But I know that my God is enough, and that he is bigger than the situation. He sees the finish line, that I can't even imagine in my small, earthly and human brain.

So rather than fall asleep in anguish, crying out to God to give me my way in the situation, which is where I had started to find myself; rather than opening my eyes in the morning, and asking God why it couldn't all just be a bad dream. Instead, I wake with a peace. A peace I don't understand, other than that I know that I am within God's will, and that he is good. All the time.

I still cry randomly about it. Sometimes the tears cut through the peace. Sometimes I don't even see them coming, until suddenly I can't breathe, and the tears are blurring my vision. But the despair is gone. The anguish is dulled. God's will. I don't understand it, and quite frankly I don't always like it, but I know that he is good, and that he has a plan, so rather than stumble around blindly in the dark looking for a match, I will turn instead to Him, the Bright and Morning Sun... and I will rest in his peace, and find comfort through the tears.

Instead I will turn to him, continuing to lift up the situation, and the people involved to Him in prayer. And yes, I will continue to pray for my own hear, and my own attitude throughout it all.

Oh they say when you marry in June... Oh wait... I'm not getting married in June!

Wow, it's been over a year since I last posted anything on this blog. That's okay, I probably haven't really had anything worthwhile to write anyway. Sometimes I wonder whether anything I have to write on this is worthwhile though... but realistically Blogs are pretty much all about vanity anyway, so whatever. I'm going to grip and moan my way through this blog... sorry, feel free to stop reading.

Is it taboo to complain about Facebook on your blog? At this point I don't really care.

Did you know that as-SOON-as your relationship status changes from "single" to "in a relationship" your sidebar ads change from "Hey! Meet other single people!" to "Hey! Come buy an engagement ring!" As though you should actually be thinking about marriage not two seconds after you decide to date someone...

Granted, you probably shouldn't be dating someone if you don't see some sort of a future with them, but still... it's probably a little bit early to be shopping for your engagement ring.

Now, I've been with Boyfriend for eight months, but they still irritate me. They've irritated me since they morphed from the "come date other 23 year old Christian single people". Don't ask me why, they just do. I guess I should just be grateful that they're pushing conflict free diamonds down my throat, and stop my moaning.